Straight in a Gay Bar
by CatC10
Summary: OOCnes! Humor, mostly, a What if? story about Severus working in a gay bar for fun in summer. Not meant to be taken seriously.


Something I plan on posting only after I've finished it! (What a concept, eh?) It's all about Severus Snape and a side of himself he only keeps hidden by expressing it around people he never sees otherwise. Insert title here!

ME

Story starts

* * *

Severus Snape has led a very depressing life, full of anger and hatred. Never once in his rather short true childhood did he ever truly feel loved, nor in control of the twisted happenings that surrounded his growing up. In defense of his own soul, Severus hid behind books, often neglecting all else in order to stay in the worlds away from reality. He read anything, from muggle romance novels squirreled away in his closet space, to the vast volumes of wizarding dictionaries lining his father's library stacks, looking desperately for a way to live outside his safe book realms.

Upon entering Hogwarts he found himself at a loss for how to communicate with the outside world, the one that had nothing to do with his precious mind's storybook. Seeing many young witches and wizards his own age interacting only confused him, and so he again buried himself into the library; where he found a fascinating book on potions only a week into the start of his first term.

To say the book influenced the rest of his life would be an understatement. It all but controlled his thoughts for the next month as he read the deeply scientific analysis of why the simplest of potions worked. Instead of explanations of particular ingredients' effects in the over all concoction, it explained how they worked together then how the body responded. His mind was intrigued and he obsessed over potions for days to increase his knowledge even after he'd read and re-read the book to tatters.

This prime example of bookishness and obsessive personality traits made poor self-secluding Severus the main target for four boys who felt as though he really couldn't be good for much else, that and they had a point to make to his entire house and all it's members. Said members of Severus' house did not approve of the mockery he made of them, and he lost all ties to them save house name. He was excluded from the social world.

Severus' spirit died then, and for years he had no one to turn to in days of desperation, or anyone that would hear his pleas for friendship. So he turned to a man most hated and feared. The dark Lord Voldemort. For two years he stayed in the man's ranks loyally, until he saw firsthand the destruction the man desired. In his final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry he went to Albus Dumbledore to turn spy.

In doing so he alienated the world from himself, keeping only Dumbledore as any sort of confidant, one used for business. He locked his heart away and stowed his pains away for summertime drinking binges after students when home for the summer holiday.

Maybe that's what drove him to the club, almost a decade into his teaching position at Hogwarts. He only stumbled into the muggle bar to get away from the rain. Really, he did. It was the laid-back atmosphere and friendly bartender that coaxed him to stay once he realized the majority of its patrons were of the homosexual sub race. He spent many hours there that night, talking to the bartender about drinks, variations of old favorites, and how they thought what tasted best. It was surreal for a first time experience.

Severus walked in again the next night, and because business was slow, showed the bartender a few of his own drink creations.

When he came for a third night, the bartender asked him if he wanted to work for the summer, because the local collage boys would be home in about a week and want to party their freedom away, Severus surprised himself. By saying yes.

* * *

Time laps, eight years have past.

Louie the bartender, not really named Louie, had retired this summer, and Severus, aka: Straight-man-who-works-in-gay-bar, had spent all summer finding a new full time bartender for BLUE FIRE, the small club he'd been working in every summer for almost eight years now. Running a hand down his face, and across the back of his neck, Severus sighed for what felt like the thousandth time that night.

"Damn. Doesn't anyone around here know how to make drinks?" He asked, facing the sky and arms rose as though in prayer.

"Yes, I do, but no one lets me get off the dance floor." Said Micky, BLUE FIRE's most popular blue haired waiter, even though he admitted to not being out of school yet. Micky was slim, with a slightly womanish frame and face, yet muscular and with a dancer's grace. Micky was known to be an awesome dancer who'd even given Severus a lesson (or twelve) on how to sway to the throbbing music that gave BLUE FIRE its street reputation.

"You're still underage and can't serve drinks, dummy." Retorted Severus.

"You know you love me anyway, you old bat face." Severus rolled his eyes at the only teenager who ever became his, albeit frustrating, friend.

"Did you try the local bar school?" Asked Jonathan, aka: JJ. JJ was the club's DJ, and Micky's reluctant boyfriend. Usually dressed in loose jeans and a sweatshirt, comfort was his middle name to the 't'.

"Graduation's not until a week after I leave for the year. I have to have two weeks to prepare for my students and shake all the fun off me. It's not easy being a sourpuss at work." Severus pointed at the calendar for emphasis, pointing out September first and the point where the big red x's stopped, three weeks ahead of the largely circled date.

"You realize this is work, don't you? You do get paid to be here." Said JJ flatly.

Severus turned to the permanently bed-headed man and the corner of his mouth twitched into a smile. "Nah, it can't be, I have too much fun in this job. It's hilarious, when all the little gay boys learn the "Hot bodied" Bartender is straight." He said.

Micky and JJ chuckled along with Severus for the next few moments until the door opened and daylight framed a golden-headed man. Severus audibly groaned and he hunched his shoulders, turned away from the door, and began his mantra reserved for anytime this particular patron should grace their floors.

"I will not kill, I will not kill, I will not kill, I will not kill…"

"Hey, babe, I found you a new full time bartender!" Maximillion said, loping though the threshold and waltzing behind the counter to encircle Severus in his arms. Severus' whole body twitched in annoyance before his fist slammed up and smashed Max's head.

"I AM NOT YOUR BABE! I AM STRAIGHT! I TELL YOU THIS EVERY TIME YOU WALK IN! WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN?" Severus yelled, at the top of his lungs, attempting to dislodge himself from the much stronger man's grip. A few daytime customers who weren't regulars started at the suddenly very outspoken man, causing Severus to flush hotly and quiet some, intensifying his struggles. "You overgrown ape! Get your hands—Hands! Get them away from there!" With a frantic twist Severus freed himself and spun on his heel, using momentum gained to give an extra kick to the open palmed slap he delivered to Maximillion's left cheek.

"No thank you? I did find you a new bartender." Max said, rubbing the sting out the best he could from his rapidly reddening face.

JJ yawned and gave Max his best flat look, his only real look as all the others managed to look like he was tired, and rolled his eyes. "What kind of training has your boy got? Is he good enough to be in Blue Fire's standards?" Max nodded solemnly, pouting in Severus' direction.

Micky whooped and pumped a fist into the air. Max may have been an attention seeker, at least when it came to impressing Sev, but he didn't go so far as to lie to do it. If he thought his friend was up to par, he probably left the standard quaking in its boots. Sev heaved a sigh, and scratched his scalp in defeat.

"Okay, we'll try him out. TONIGHT, got it, Maximillion? Tell your friend to be here and we'll see how he does, he only gets tonight. This is pass or fail, understand?" Max nodded and was about to insist on Severus calling him Max when, "I know you want me to call you Max, don't ask. Now get out of my bar while I call Louie." JJ and Micky grinned at Max, who pouted again to Severus' back and stepped out to the road with the sound of the wooden door clacking into its frame.

* * *

ON SEVERUS' LAST DAY

Not only did Max's friend prove to be 'good enough' for Severus, he taught Sev one helluva Margarita mix. The man, who had the name Gerald, already secured himself a nickname, Meazell, from the family name of the creators of the Margarita that he had taught to the part-time bartender. Now assured that the bar wasn't headed to doom in a paper party cup, Sev was on one of the club's balconies that faced out to the warehouse district of the muggle city the BLUE FIRE was located in.

The music throbbed behind him, a pulsing beat that made his hips want to sway in the mass of party goers wanting to forget the stress of school for the last few weeks they had the chance. It was his last day of so-called work for the summer. He was wondering though what it would be like upon return to Hogwarts this year. He'd received word only the day before, that Harry Potter, the boy savior, without anyone's by-the-way save Dumbledore's, had defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort in the middle of summer. Sev would have bet anything the final battle between the boy wonder and the wannabe snake would've been a huge ordeal and full out battle that lasted days and ended with hundreds of lives lost. But digress! The boy had foolishly taken in some of his precious "DA" members, and assassinated the lord in the dead of night.

No one but Potter could have made out of that alive.

But now that it was no longer necessary to play the greasy git personality card at Hogwarts, would he? Dejectedly hanging his head, Severus found himself at his rope's end. He probably had to, considering that he'd never been any other way around the kids. Even Dumbledore admitted to Sev's face that he was quite the sourpuss. He couldn't just SHOW UP and be a completely different person. That would be…decidedly weird.

The music swelled for a moment as someone stepped out onto the balcony with him.

"Hey." Said Micky, crossing the space between Severus and him. "Going back to your boarding school teaching position tomorrow?" Severus turned to the teenager beside him and wrapped an arm around the nearly bare shoulders.

"Yes. You going to a boarding school this year?" Sev asked, it was the same question every year, knowing the boy was home-schooled. Sometimes he liked to think about what would happen if the boy went to Hogwarts. Classes would be livelier. That was for sure. But he was Muggle, so these thoughts were always quickly banished to the file in his head labeled: NEVER OPEN EVER ON PUNISHMENT OF MAX!

"Actually? Yes. My parents are finally letting me. We had a meeting with the headmaster already to sort it all out." With a start, Sev looked at the boy, and with a whoop of glee lifted him in a bear hug worthy of Hogwart's half-giant gamekeeper. "Yes, yes, we're all very happy for me downstairs, too. Now may I please be allowed to breathe?" Chuckling, Sev set down the slender teen.

"That's fantastic, you better start getting ready, then. When's the term start?"

Before Micky could reply, JJ burst though the doors, his disks on temporary play-lists, and lunged at Micky.

"Your parents agreed? What am I supposed to—oh forget it!" JJ yanked Micky to him by the front of his low-rise jeans and proceeded to kiss him blind, muffling a yelp and a number of exclamations.

"Hoo boy! This I do NOT want to see. See ya later, guys. I'm off to the bar to see how Meazell is holding up! Don't defile Micky too bad, JJ!" There were some half swallowed replies that Sev couldn't make out over the rustling of clothes before the music cut off all other sound in the direct vicinity. Yeah, DEFINITLY did not want to see that.

* * *

AT THE HOGWARTS OPENING CEREMONY SEPTEMBER 1st.

Severus sighed, taking his customary seat at the Teacher's table at the front of the Great Hall, running his hand though his very nicely clean hair. He really hadn't planned on washing it to look presentable, but Flitwick, Sprout, and McGonnagle had all jumped him yesterday over the affair and had spelled his hair to not become stringy and oily when having gone without washing for a twenty minute time-span. When he managed to sputter a question over why they were acting like raving lunatics, they wouldn't even explain themselves. He threw his best glower at the older students filing into the room, and particularly at a group of talkative Hufflepuffs.

He felt a little bad about making one of the second years squeal in fright, but it was expected of him, and he didn't feel like disappointing.

Then he had the honor of being subject to Hogwarts most time-consuming of rituals, the sorting. Oh how Severus HATED the sorting. The long silences where he couldn't move, the loud clapping every few moments as some house or another gained a new member, the grating and raspy voice of the torn hat itself. It was all infuriating, but a very good way to get into the school-year mindset that Severus had carefully built into his mental programming.

It broke down as such: if school in; then mind loathing of the world; and if school out; then mind on it's freaking vacation, smart one!

Now, thoroughly ticked, Severus felt as though his sham of a teaching career could commence for another year undaunted. Then the sorting ended and Dumbledore rose from his seat to give his yearly rule lecture that the first years would pay attention to and the rest of the students would ignore.

"Students, welcome back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I trust that you have all had a restful break? Ah, yes, very good. As you have all heard, I'm sure, it was only in the middle of this break that the dark lord Voldemort was defeated at long last by none other than our very own Harry Potter," Dumbledore paused a moment as the roar of cheering from the Griffindor table interrupted his speech before settling down. "Now we may all rest in comfort. Though, that does not mean that the Forbidden Forest is any less off limits to students, all students, Mr. Potter included. Also, I'd like to introduce two new people into our ranks, one a professor and the other a sixth year transfer student. Mr. Larkin will be our new DADA professor, I hope you welcome him to the staff and treat him with the utmost respect." A man with short cropped dirty blond hair and modest build stood to give a short bow to the mass of students. "And also, Mister Michael Rafael, a new sixth year Hufflepuff.

A brown-haired boy stood, waved to the crowd, and sat.

Severus' eyes went impossibly wide, before shrinking to something akin to normal. 'Huh…Micky looks different with brown hair.' He thought, before tuning out the rest of the meal in shock.

* * *

POTIONS CLASS: SEPTEMBER 3rd.

Severus entered the classroom of sixth year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, just about ready to die from embarrassment. Micky never believed him before about being a crab at work, now he'd probably heard all the stories…and knew all sorts of blackmail material, thinking about it... Well that sucks. Severus caught himself in time to resist bashing his head on his desk.

He took role and began the lecture with hardly a glance into the students; it took only a few seconds for Micky to begin snickering at audible levels. His Hufflepuff friend, Justin Finch-Fletchley shushed him as best he could, his attempts only succeeding in Micky's increase in volume. Before very long at all, Severus had to turn around to face the terrified group around the newcomer, who had opened his book to a random page and draped it over his head while laughing into the tabletop. Most undignified. Severus was attempting to frown, but the corner of his mouth kept giving the barest of twitches upward.

"Mr. Rafael, I would like to speak to you after class." Micky quieted immediately, but his grin never faltered.

"See?" Micky whispered to Justin in a stage whisper, "I told you that you were overreacting. He's harmless."

Maybe they would have retorted, except they were too shocked that no house points had been deducted. Severus grinned, after facing the chalkboard.

For the next months, and during Holiday break, Micky and Severus never acted as though they knew each other, even when they were alone in passing of corridors, because corridors in Hogwarts had ears and eyes you could never see nor understand. But occasionally they'd glance at each other and give an encouraging smile or short-lived grin. It was an inside joke, that they laughed at when the Ravenclaws tried to analytically find a reason to Severus' sudden lack in point-deducting. They laughed about it when Micky was sent to detention with him from McGonnagle, and Micky grinned whenever the students talked about jobs.

* * *

FEBRUARY 21st: THE GREAT HALL.

Severus walked into the Sunday morning breakfast to Sprout and McGonnagle having a shouting match with Micky. It seemed as though they thought he'd made a potentially dangerous decision, and now refused to back off of it. Severus raised one black eyebrow and continued to the teacher table.

Slytherins were snickering at the young Hufflepuff's dilemma, and Hufflepuffs had concerned faces and voices, Ravenclaws had their own debate on the subject started, and Griffindors were just watching to see who would win, professor or student?

Seating himself, Severus began to listen in earnest to Micky's protests, and Spout's reasons.

"I'm telling you what he means to me, I work at his bar and we get along just fine!" Shouted Micky, ah, so was this about Richard, BLUE FIRE's owner/manager?

"He's a bartender, Mister Rafael, you say he calls you his friend, but that does not mean he won't take advantage just because he acts like a kindly man!" Sprout shot back. 'Wait…so this is about ME?' thought Severus.

"He's straight, you stupid woman!"

"And it's impossible for people to lie about sexuality?" Said Professor Sinestra, butting in.

At Micky's dumbfounded expression, Hagrid explained, "He does work in a g-ho-er…bar of questionable morals." Severus' mouth dropped open in shock. QUESTIONABLE MORALS? THOSE WERE HIS FRIENDS, THAT HYPOCRITE! 'AT LEAST MY FRIENDS DON'T RUN OFF TO DO SOMETHING POTENTIALLY LIFE-THREATENING WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A BY-YOUR-LEAVE!'

Micky voiced shouts with a quite similar reaction. "HOW'S BEING GAY IMMORAL?"

Unable to watch the argument continue without breaking his composure, Severus rose to leave the room in a disapproving sweep.

"Severus? Would you please knock some sense into this boy! Surely you have the gist of it! Maybe you, the most foreboding teacher in the school can say something to make this boy see sense!" Sprout huffed at the retreating figure of the potions master.

"And why, may I ask, would I have any control over one of YOUR students, Ms. Sprout?" Severus Muttered though tightly clenched teeth, façade crumbling at the edges from the stress of the situation and conversation.

"Homophobe, huh?" muttered Spout in a stage whisper, she continued at a louder voice, "Well, imagine this a moment, this bartender asks Mr. Rafael to his home, then takes advantage of him, how would you feel about that?"

For a brief moment of vertigo-inducing tunnel vision of a rather horrifying mental picture, Severus found himself seated on the floor, one hand gripping the edge of the Slytherin house table in a white knuckled grip. Through ragged, broken breaths, Severus managed a sentence.

"I think that may have been …the single …most horrifying moment of my life." Shifting his gaze to the sick looking Micky, Severus continued. "Just… no."

"Agreed. And JJ never hears of this!"

Shuddering at consequences he never thought of, Sev nodded. Then Micky seemed to go back to his normal healthy flush and began to laugh.

"And what is so funny, Mik? God, for a moment there I nearly passed out!" Shouted Sev, slowly climbing to his feet.

"Sorry, but I just realized that sleeping with you would break like, three different laws."

Severus squinted dumbstruck for a moment before oh so eloquently exclaiming, "EW!"

Then Micky calmed a tad to talk to Sprout, "Just so you know, before you make a comment like that, make sure that you're not talking to the person you're talking about. Though it might have been worth the expression on his face!"

Startled passed her wits end, Sprout faced Severus, "You, YOU'RE the bartender?"

"Yeah, I DO have a life outside of Hogwarts, I needed one to stay sane and SAFE. I needed a place to break loose, and, it ended up being a gay bar. So shut-up."

"I…I never even realized. How'd you keep it secret that you knew the new student?" asked a bewildered McGonnagle.

"With Difficulty!" Cried both Severus and Micky together.

* * *

AFTERWORD:

All normal activity for the rest of the day seemed too slow, and for the week seemed surreal, as Dumbledore had Severus 'break loose' from his mask of hatred and dislike. He was different, now, but the students didn't seem to mind so much, he was always ready to surprise you with a story of some guy named Max. Snape and Micky were always being badgered by someone for relationship advice, more Micky than Sev, but…Potter adventures and all, it was one of the more interesting school ending ceremonies.

* * *

END!

It's not supposed to make sense, and I wish I had more plot to make it better, but it was never meant to be a serious storyline, just a series of 'what if' s and 'wouldn't it be funny' s. LET THE MIND SCREAM JOY! FOR IT IS DONE! It only took me a month an a half.


End file.
